Prologue...
Nowadays quite often I find time hanging heavy on
my hand. Random thoughts cripple my mind. Looking back, I find that if my past
few years' life be plotted in a two-dimensional canvas, there is a series of
sky scrapers on either side of the horizontal. Let me pen down the monologues
scattered over the mind of a suburban boy of mid-forties.
Monologue...
Over the
years, you learn that the person who is dearest to your heart can knock you
down any time, can replace you in no time. You learn to enjoy being alone.
After a while, you learn that the person for whom
you take so much risk by going against the current will simply dump you one
fine morning. You learn resilience.
Someday you will discover with utter surprises that
all the promises are empty and listening to different excuses at different
times, be it full of contradictions, is the only reality. You learn to accept
the reality.
With time you learn that the person whom you
expressed your feelings and emotions without any hypocrisy will use it as a
tool for torturing you and will feel intense pleasure by playing with your
emotions which was so pure, genuine and honest to you. You learn to accept it
as a gift in return.
Over the years, you learn that holding someone's
hand in privacy with expressive eyes is just casual signifying nothing. At the
same time, hugging, embracing, sharing private moments with someone else in and
away from public, intimate texting and always satisfying and entertaining that
someone else willingly in every possible way is just a part of social
interaction, no matter how ugly it is. With the flow of time, you simply go on
witnessing helplessly that someone else has become someone special with exchange
of intimate and personal chats, dearly interaction and regular meet on this or
that occasion. You begin to realize the meaning of replacement and that's what
you deserved.
With the flow of time, you learn that relationship
of any kind is nothing but a need and that very need changes with time in
various forms. You realize that the depth of a relationship is an utopian
concept. You begin to learn that care, concern and possessiveness for a person
are something to be laughed at in this consumerist world. You learn that giving
importance to someone translates to being ignored.
After a while you learn that what you thought to be
your most precious possession never belonged to you and you begin to accept
that being deceived, being abandoned is the way of life.
You learn that it is the money, the market value,
the glamour and the show off that decide your worth and value to someone. You
begin to accept with the grace of an adult that you are the most misfit person
in this post truth age to survive. You do not deserve to love someone, to be
loved by someone in this lustful society where thoughtless aspirations,
unlawful ambitions, illicit relations and unethical activities are the new
normal. You begin to understand your worth and realize how much you are prioritized,
desired and understood by others.
You learn that the person whom you trust most will
just give you a sheer fuck and you learn to endure being fucked. And you
learn that you really can endure because there is no other alternative left for
you.
Let people be wrong about you. Let people take you
amiss. Let people blame you. Let people think you are judgmental. Let people
believe you live with inhibitions. Let people think you indulge in negative
thoughts. Let people think that you enjoy sort of masochistic delight. Let them
think what they want to think, how they want to think. After all, the feelings
are yours only. It is you who endured everything. You begin to understand that
the lessons you learnt add to your experience, add to your maturity. And you
learn to move on with your head up and your eyes ahead, without changing
yourself.
Epilogue...
There was a time when I used to be afraid of reaching the dry age of cynicism. And now I discover myself being completely confounded that I have reached the age of cynicism, the age of nihilism. Let me be alone, far away from the madding crowd, far away from the majority. Let it be the bliss of solitude. "The struggle of memory against forgetting" is the only inevitable. I am now tired of seeing my own defeat. I barely recognize myself now.
Suman Sinha
13/04/2024
2 comments:
Hi, I didn't know about your literary skills. Random thoughts brought me out of my stupor and are reminiscent of musings of my mind. I often pen my thoughts as Notes to Myself remember HughPrather. They serve more as a way of decluttering ones mind and also hone my writing skills. We rarely get to use our full repertoire of vocabulary as the junta doesn't understand and quoting Shashi Tharoor would raise a storm. No, I am not demeaning anyone but just one doesn't have the type of company for deep intellectual conversations.
It was a great to read and look forward for more.
I could relate this random thoughts with mine too though you are the most empathetic and emotional siblings between us. You strive every day with so many odds encompassing you and navigate the undiscovered path to reach your goal.
Post a Comment